When my son was very young (between his birth and one year of age), I did an extraordinary amount of research on different parenting styles and techniques. I did this because I wanted to be the best mother possible. And part of the reason for this desire is the fact that since I was eight years old, I've never dreamed of a career as anything BUT a mother. Being a mother and homeschooling my child has been my plan since age eight, and nothing I've seen since then has encouraged me to deviate from that goal.
But, for some reason, I did not begin the research until after my son was born. Until his first birthday, I followed more traditional methods of parenting (something I now regret, though I'm thrilled I learned as early as I did).
Anyway, I did lots of research. I did web searches and followed links. I borrowed books from the library. I can't remember the exact paths I followed, but I wandered and read and pondered and considered and eventually found myself aligning to a concept of unschooling (and more specifically radical unschooling) as being closest to what I wanted for me and my son.
It's not the easiest path to follow, because it's not the path followed by the majority of the world. It's hard for those who haven't done the research to see the benefits to this path. It's hard to encourage some of those closest to my son that despite the fact that I don't push, he's learning all the time, every day. He's just doing it at his pace. He may not start reading at the age those in more traditional school do, but he will also not be taught that reading is a chore, is difficult, requires instruction, must be taught, or any of the other false "facts" that most schooled children learn.
My son reads. He may not sit down and read a book, but he most certainly reads. He may not know how to sound out every word he comes across, he may not recognize every word he sees, but that's not all that reading is. Reading is pattern recognition. It's recognizing symbols and interpreting their meaning. He's done that since he first saw the "golden arches" and called it "McDonald's." But this isn't reading enough for more traditionally minded people. Additional aids have been acquired, and he is free to pursue them at his interest, but I will NOT require his use of them, as that is counter to everything I believe. And even without them, his reading has improved to the point that most would recognize it as early reading.
My son does math. He was refilling the soda section of the refrigerator (which has eight spots), counted out six cans and then stated that he needed two more. That's subtraction. We got a box of ice creams with six treats inside. He was able to figure out that if we two shared it we'd get three each, but if we included his father, we'd only get two each. That's division. He may not do math the way the kids in school do, but he's not lacking for math ability. In fact, this method of learning math may very well leave him without the math anxiety that plagues many people (myself included). Because instead of something that's artificial and difficult, math is a part of his daily life.
My son has passions and focus. He can spend hours playing with his LEGOs or exploring our yard (we live on 22 acres in a very rural part of Virginia). He is completely fascinated with Star Wars, and has established at least one acquaintance on that basis (someone he can call to ask a Star Wars question when I don't know the answer).
My son is very helpful and sweet. He may not always do exactly what's asked of him (he's not expected to, it's his life, after all), but more often than not, he's willing to help out when he's asked.
My son is curious and expressive. His pronunciation may not always be perfect, but it is improving. He asks great questions (though at times a bit too many for my personal preference). He is able to express his feelings, though not always in ways that most people would prefer, still in ways that do no harm to those around him.
In all, I'm thrilled with how well unschooling is working for me and my son. I just wish that those around him could see that it's not just him alone that makes him the person he is (though that's certainly a part of it), it's also the freedom and support that he's been given. I doubt any other parenting style would have led us to the person he is today. And I'm completely unwilling to take the chance that I'm right by trying more traditional methods.
As for me and my family, we unschool. And that means that my son has the freedom to learn at his own pace. My job is to be there to provide whatever support he desires and to make sure he's aware of just all that the world has to offer. I provide opportunities, show possibilities, and allow him to accept or reject them as he chooses.
The advantage of this parenting method is that by the time my child is an adult, he's already been making his own decisions, responsible for his own actions, and confident of his abilities for a very long time. He won't be suddenly thrust from having all his decisions made for him and being required to follow instruction to being allowed to choose for himself.
He may not follow the path that I would in his position. In fact, I'd be astonished if he did. He may not follow anyone's specific idea of what they consider "success" to be. But I have no doubt that he'll be successful in whatever he chooses to do, as he is today. I've heard it said that he needs to be prepared for the "real world." I disagree. He already lives in the real world. There is no portion of the real world that cannot be handled with a combination of cooperation and choosing consequences. He may choose a traditional job and follow the rules of the office (choosing consequences). He may choose a traditional job and work with his boss to find creative solutions that meets both his and the boss's needs (cooperation). He may work for himself. He may decide not to work at all, but to travel and explore and do without material things. But regardless of the path he chooses, it'll be his path. He'll know what the options are, and he'll be able to follow his heart. And that's all I ask for his future.
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
2010-04-30
2009-08-24
Nose Bleed
Last night we had a bit of excitement. Tre fell asleep on the floor in front of the TV (a place he often choses to rest). We were watching a movie and planned to move him to bed when the movie was over. However, about a half-hour after he fell asleep, we looked down to see that Tre's face, arms, and the floor around him are covered with blood from a nose bleed. I got him into the shower to clean him up, his nose started bleeding again, and it took a while to stop.
He's had quite a few nose bleeds this summer, though prior to this summer, I don't think he had any. So, we're heading to the doctor soon (probably Wednesday, due to scheduling conflicts tomorrow) to see if there's any particular problem that might be causing this recurring problem. I don't think the house is excessively dry, but that is something we've considered. He's had the nose bleeds both here at home and in Tennessee visiting his grandparents, so it doesn't seem that dry air is very likely, though we're not ruling it out.
I hate it when something is bothering my son and I have no way to fix it right away. It makes me feel a bit more powerless than normal.
He's had quite a few nose bleeds this summer, though prior to this summer, I don't think he had any. So, we're heading to the doctor soon (probably Wednesday, due to scheduling conflicts tomorrow) to see if there's any particular problem that might be causing this recurring problem. I don't think the house is excessively dry, but that is something we've considered. He's had the nose bleeds both here at home and in Tennessee visiting his grandparents, so it doesn't seem that dry air is very likely, though we're not ruling it out.
I hate it when something is bothering my son and I have no way to fix it right away. It makes me feel a bit more powerless than normal.
2009-08-22
Change
As of this past Wednesday there's been a fairly major change in my life. My sister-in-law stopped working for my mother's company, so I stopped watching Andy. All by itself, this doesn't sound like much of a change. However, Andy's absence from my childcare plans means that I'm much more able to follow a path of consensual parenting with Tre and Wyatt. So, even though Andy was a MAJOR challenge all by himself, I've found that my work has INCREASED since I've stopped caring for him.
If this doesn't sound right to you, then you probably don't know just how much work is involved in consensual parenting. When things are going smoothly, it can seem incredibly simple. In fact, it can seem an awful lot like "un-parenting" (or letting your child parent themselves, something very akin to neglect). Nothing could be further from the truth. The groundwork that must be laid to make this smooth sailing possible is extremely time intensive and requires a lot of creativity. Plus, problems are much more difficult to solve when you can't revert to the "do what I say because I told you so" method of traditional parenting.
It isn't until I discovered that Andy's absence has actually increased my workload that I realized just how far away from consensual parenting I had slipped. He's been so difficult to work with, and reverts to violence so quickly, that I had basically fallen into a pattern of solving problems by separating the kids (a solution none of them was very happy with). Now that I am actually working on helping Tre and Wyatt solve their disagreements through consideration of each's position and looking for a mutually acceptable solution, it's not so easy.
But despite this fact, I'm absolutely thrilled. I know it's not easy now, but it should get easier as Wyatt and Tre develop more tools for solving disputes (which at the moment seem near constant, though I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems). The time I spend now in helping them learn how to work together consensually will pay off in their future well-being, and this goes for Wyatt too, even if his mother doesn't fully follow the same parenting standard.
If this doesn't sound right to you, then you probably don't know just how much work is involved in consensual parenting. When things are going smoothly, it can seem incredibly simple. In fact, it can seem an awful lot like "un-parenting" (or letting your child parent themselves, something very akin to neglect). Nothing could be further from the truth. The groundwork that must be laid to make this smooth sailing possible is extremely time intensive and requires a lot of creativity. Plus, problems are much more difficult to solve when you can't revert to the "do what I say because I told you so" method of traditional parenting.
It isn't until I discovered that Andy's absence has actually increased my workload that I realized just how far away from consensual parenting I had slipped. He's been so difficult to work with, and reverts to violence so quickly, that I had basically fallen into a pattern of solving problems by separating the kids (a solution none of them was very happy with). Now that I am actually working on helping Tre and Wyatt solve their disagreements through consideration of each's position and looking for a mutually acceptable solution, it's not so easy.
But despite this fact, I'm absolutely thrilled. I know it's not easy now, but it should get easier as Wyatt and Tre develop more tools for solving disputes (which at the moment seem near constant, though I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems). The time I spend now in helping them learn how to work together consensually will pay off in their future well-being, and this goes for Wyatt too, even if his mother doesn't fully follow the same parenting standard.
2009-08-16
And Then
The last few days have been busy, but uneventful.
Friday I was watching Andy and Wyatt (a friend's son, same age as Andy). Rich had off work, so he took Tre out in the mid-afternoon. Most of the day, the kids played in Tre's room with LEGOs and Thomas trains. I spent a great deal of time in with them, trying to keep fights from errupting.
Yesterday was quieter. We ran errands in the morning ending in lunch at CiCi's pizza (an extremely reasonably priced all-you-can-eat pizza buffet we love). Then I came home and Beth (Wyatt's mother) came over and I spent some time helping her with her homework. While I was helping Beth, Wyatt and Tre played together until Tre got frustrated (in part because he was so tired) and we set them both down in front of a movie. After the movie was over, Beth and Wyatt went home and we watched Hancock as a family... Tre fell asleep part way through.
Today Beth is coming back over with Wyatt for more homework help. Rich is back at work, so it'll just be us ladies and the kids. I expect it to be fairly similar to yesterday, so unless something major happens, I'll leave it at that until tomorrow.
Friday I was watching Andy and Wyatt (a friend's son, same age as Andy). Rich had off work, so he took Tre out in the mid-afternoon. Most of the day, the kids played in Tre's room with LEGOs and Thomas trains. I spent a great deal of time in with them, trying to keep fights from errupting.
Yesterday was quieter. We ran errands in the morning ending in lunch at CiCi's pizza (an extremely reasonably priced all-you-can-eat pizza buffet we love). Then I came home and Beth (Wyatt's mother) came over and I spent some time helping her with her homework. While I was helping Beth, Wyatt and Tre played together until Tre got frustrated (in part because he was so tired) and we set them both down in front of a movie. After the movie was over, Beth and Wyatt went home and we watched Hancock as a family... Tre fell asleep part way through.
Today Beth is coming back over with Wyatt for more homework help. Rich is back at work, so it'll just be us ladies and the kids. I expect it to be fairly similar to yesterday, so unless something major happens, I'll leave it at that until tomorrow.
2009-08-13
The Wheels Go...
Today was a day off (no other children to watch than my son), and I decided it might be fun to do something we've never done before. A few days ago, we drove by a roller rink that seemed to be closed, and I immediately did some quick research and found one not too far away that was open and had (what seemed to me) very reasonable prices. So, I asked Tre if he'd be interested, he said yes, and off we went.
We got to the roller rink at about 4pm with a closing time of 5pm. This turned out to be a good thing, as Tre was only up for about 45 minutes of skating and if we'd gotten there much earlier I would likely have been upset by that. He's never had skates on in his life, and it's been about 10 years since I last had skates on. I have my own skates, which I love, but at the moment (likely because of my weight) they don't fit me right, they pinch my toes. Next time I go, I'll try a rental. (Now I have to decide what to do with my skates: keep, replace, donate and just go rentals...)
But, we did go around the rink a few times. I went by myself, to start, remembering from the past that it only took me a lap or two to remember the basics. That was NOT the case this time. A combination of the time lapse and my complete lack of physical fitness had my legs quivering from the beginning of the first lap. In all, I did three total laps in the 45 minutes, interspersed with watching Tre's progress.
So, what did Tre do, since obviously he didn't put on skates for the first time and shoot around the rink unassisted? Well, it turns out there were only two other skaters there as we arrived, both wearing roller blades. As I was finishing my first lap and trying to figure out how to get Tre on the rink safely (as I was not stable enough to support him), they offered to assist Tre in rolling around the rink. He made one lap, very slowly, with his feet shooting forward out from under him VERY frequently, while I made my second lap.
After that lap, he wanted a break, so we both sat down for a bit. I was dripping with sweat, he was not obviously fatigued. I asked him if he thought it was fun, which he said it was. He was in an extremely good mood, but he said he wanted to go home. Iasked him if he'd be willing to do one more lap for me. He did not agree, but his attitude was such that I kind of pushed him to do it (if he didn't really want to, his attitude would have been different, tought to describe, but obvious to me). So, I encouraged him to do one more lap with the girls, and I did one more lap myself.
This second lap of Tre's was much more successful (either from better support from his helpers, or Tre's learning, or some combination thereof). He still had problems keeping his balance over his feet, but nowhere near as bad. He was still positive about the experience, but still wanted to go home, so I started taking his skates off. I got one off, and he wanted to play for a bit with the one that remained. I remember doing that myself, pushing with the "solid" foot and skating with the other. He had a blast, but only did that for a couple of minutes before he was ready for the removal of the second skate.
Afterwards, we put on our shoes as the girls traded their roller blades for roller skates (for those unfamiliar with the difference, blades have four wheels in a line front to back in the middle of the foot, while skates have them in a rectangle with two in front and two in back of the foot). I was surprised to see that competent roller bladers do not find it simple to trade over to skates. I knew that the skate to blade transition was difficult, having tried it once myself, but I figured that was due to trying to balance in a different direction (keeping the ankle centered over the blade).
Anyway, as we were leaving, I figured out what was driving Tre's desire to leave early. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy himself or that he was really too tired, but that he wanted my assistance with his video game when we got back home. He's interested in going back as soon as we're able, and I happened to notice a sign as we were exiting indicating beginning lessons for kids his age. I inquired and was thrilled to find out that the lessons are the same price as a regular day skating and do not require signing up for any particular stretch of them. Simply show up and pay the price. The only drawback is that until fall (when they start lessons on the weekend) it is highly unlikely that I'll have time away from the other kids I'm watching on the day they offer the lessons. And I can't begin to imagine trying to supervise the transportation, funding, or supervision of three children under five years old with no skating experience in my little four door compact car to the rink for lessons.
So, I'm looking forward to fall, and saving up for the next day we can go and just have fun at the rink!
We got to the roller rink at about 4pm with a closing time of 5pm. This turned out to be a good thing, as Tre was only up for about 45 minutes of skating and if we'd gotten there much earlier I would likely have been upset by that. He's never had skates on in his life, and it's been about 10 years since I last had skates on. I have my own skates, which I love, but at the moment (likely because of my weight) they don't fit me right, they pinch my toes. Next time I go, I'll try a rental. (Now I have to decide what to do with my skates: keep, replace, donate and just go rentals...)
But, we did go around the rink a few times. I went by myself, to start, remembering from the past that it only took me a lap or two to remember the basics. That was NOT the case this time. A combination of the time lapse and my complete lack of physical fitness had my legs quivering from the beginning of the first lap. In all, I did three total laps in the 45 minutes, interspersed with watching Tre's progress.
So, what did Tre do, since obviously he didn't put on skates for the first time and shoot around the rink unassisted? Well, it turns out there were only two other skaters there as we arrived, both wearing roller blades. As I was finishing my first lap and trying to figure out how to get Tre on the rink safely (as I was not stable enough to support him), they offered to assist Tre in rolling around the rink. He made one lap, very slowly, with his feet shooting forward out from under him VERY frequently, while I made my second lap.
After that lap, he wanted a break, so we both sat down for a bit. I was dripping with sweat, he was not obviously fatigued. I asked him if he thought it was fun, which he said it was. He was in an extremely good mood, but he said he wanted to go home. Iasked him if he'd be willing to do one more lap for me. He did not agree, but his attitude was such that I kind of pushed him to do it (if he didn't really want to, his attitude would have been different, tought to describe, but obvious to me). So, I encouraged him to do one more lap with the girls, and I did one more lap myself.
This second lap of Tre's was much more successful (either from better support from his helpers, or Tre's learning, or some combination thereof). He still had problems keeping his balance over his feet, but nowhere near as bad. He was still positive about the experience, but still wanted to go home, so I started taking his skates off. I got one off, and he wanted to play for a bit with the one that remained. I remember doing that myself, pushing with the "solid" foot and skating with the other. He had a blast, but only did that for a couple of minutes before he was ready for the removal of the second skate.
Afterwards, we put on our shoes as the girls traded their roller blades for roller skates (for those unfamiliar with the difference, blades have four wheels in a line front to back in the middle of the foot, while skates have them in a rectangle with two in front and two in back of the foot). I was surprised to see that competent roller bladers do not find it simple to trade over to skates. I knew that the skate to blade transition was difficult, having tried it once myself, but I figured that was due to trying to balance in a different direction (keeping the ankle centered over the blade).
Anyway, as we were leaving, I figured out what was driving Tre's desire to leave early. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy himself or that he was really too tired, but that he wanted my assistance with his video game when we got back home. He's interested in going back as soon as we're able, and I happened to notice a sign as we were exiting indicating beginning lessons for kids his age. I inquired and was thrilled to find out that the lessons are the same price as a regular day skating and do not require signing up for any particular stretch of them. Simply show up and pay the price. The only drawback is that until fall (when they start lessons on the weekend) it is highly unlikely that I'll have time away from the other kids I'm watching on the day they offer the lessons. And I can't begin to imagine trying to supervise the transportation, funding, or supervision of three children under five years old with no skating experience in my little four door compact car to the rink for lessons.
So, I'm looking forward to fall, and saving up for the next day we can go and just have fun at the rink!
2009-08-12
Creative Fun
Today I had planned to go to the YMCA with Tre (as I'm not watching Andy), but they have an electrical problem. So, instead he's playing with his LEGOs. His creativity in making LEGO ships continues to astonish me.
We traded his smallish collection of "Mega Blocks" for his dad's HUGE childhood collection of LEGOs last Christmas (passing his Mega Blocks on to his cousin, Andy) and a few small LEGO Star Wars kits. He started asking us to follow some of the instructions to build the pre-designed ships. But very shortly afterward he started putting the pieces together himself following no patterns. Some of the ships he has made look as if they COULD have come from instructions (in fact, I've asked if they did, but so far he hasn't followed the instructions to make anything without adult help). He builds a wide array of different things, but most are space ships of one sort or another. Many use pieces in (what to me are) very creative ways. He seems to have no pre-concieved notions of what the piece is "supposed" to do, but instead looks at it for itself and uses it where he thinks it will work best.
Some of his constructions are straggly, poorly supported monstrosities that seem to have no real rhyme or reason, but more often than not, they are now balanced, symetrical, and fairly functional. This whole process has been incredibly fun to watch.
This afternoon, we're going to the local park for some play time outdoors, hopefully with other kids.
We traded his smallish collection of "Mega Blocks" for his dad's HUGE childhood collection of LEGOs last Christmas (passing his Mega Blocks on to his cousin, Andy) and a few small LEGO Star Wars kits. He started asking us to follow some of the instructions to build the pre-designed ships. But very shortly afterward he started putting the pieces together himself following no patterns. Some of the ships he has made look as if they COULD have come from instructions (in fact, I've asked if they did, but so far he hasn't followed the instructions to make anything without adult help). He builds a wide array of different things, but most are space ships of one sort or another. Many use pieces in (what to me are) very creative ways. He seems to have no pre-concieved notions of what the piece is "supposed" to do, but instead looks at it for itself and uses it where he thinks it will work best.
Some of his constructions are straggly, poorly supported monstrosities that seem to have no real rhyme or reason, but more often than not, they are now balanced, symetrical, and fairly functional. This whole process has been incredibly fun to watch.
This afternoon, we're going to the local park for some play time outdoors, hopefully with other kids.
2009-08-11
Side Note
By the way, I just want to make it clear from the get go, that though I am absolutely convinced that the method of parenting I have chosen (radical unschooling, consensual parenting) is the best possible and I can't imagine trying to go down a different path, that does NOT mean that I am perfect at following the path I have chosen. I try, but I also fail.
I think maybe that putting it out here and holding myself accountable for both success and failure may make the failures happen less often.
Also, though I have decided to use this method to raise my son and have done the best I could to follow that path since he was about one year old, my brother and sister-in-law have NOT done so with their son, Andy, who I watch frequently. He has not been taught that violence is not the solution to problems, and it is usually his first solution (even his "dancing" is very violent motions). I am not at all sure how well I will be able to handle this, and I know that my interactions with him are significantly subpar compared to my interactions with my son, Tre. As I can't convince his parents to put in the effort required to raise him in a consensual manner, I don't know how far down that path I can go with him. I guess we'll all just have to watch and see how it all plays out.
I think maybe that putting it out here and holding myself accountable for both success and failure may make the failures happen less often.
Also, though I have decided to use this method to raise my son and have done the best I could to follow that path since he was about one year old, my brother and sister-in-law have NOT done so with their son, Andy, who I watch frequently. He has not been taught that violence is not the solution to problems, and it is usually his first solution (even his "dancing" is very violent motions). I am not at all sure how well I will be able to handle this, and I know that my interactions with him are significantly subpar compared to my interactions with my son, Tre. As I can't convince his parents to put in the effort required to raise him in a consensual manner, I don't know how far down that path I can go with him. I guess we'll all just have to watch and see how it all plays out.
Argh!
So, today started out tolerable and has been going downhill since then. I have Andy all day today (I watch him while his parents work, and they have a VERY odd schedule). The boys weren't playing well this morning, so I put them in different rooms doing the same thing (playing video games). That worked briefly, until Tre got frustrated again.
So, we did some group activities, dancing to music and the like, until that fell apart and devolved into something more like fighting. About that time I noticed it was about lunch time. I figured I needed something quick and easy so I went with canned spaghetti-o's. I tried the house can-opener, and it wouldn't engage the can. Grr. But, we have a hand can-opener as well. I tried it. I've NEVER been any good at getting it to work smoothly. After about 30 minutes, I had two cans half open and edible. By this time, I'm ravenous and the boys are under something resembling control, so I start on my lunch (I missed breakfast breaking up problems this morning). But by this time my temper is totally out of control. Now it's nap time for Andy, so hopefully I can rest, recharge and face the afternoon in a better mood.
So, we did some group activities, dancing to music and the like, until that fell apart and devolved into something more like fighting. About that time I noticed it was about lunch time. I figured I needed something quick and easy so I went with canned spaghetti-o's. I tried the house can-opener, and it wouldn't engage the can. Grr. But, we have a hand can-opener as well. I tried it. I've NEVER been any good at getting it to work smoothly. After about 30 minutes, I had two cans half open and edible. By this time, I'm ravenous and the boys are under something resembling control, so I start on my lunch (I missed breakfast breaking up problems this morning). But by this time my temper is totally out of control. Now it's nap time for Andy, so hopefully I can rest, recharge and face the afternoon in a better mood.
2009-08-10
Try, Try Again
I'm going to try to be a bit more regular about updating this blog. There are a variety of reasons I want to keep a better track of what goes on in our lives, but the topmost consideration is that I plan to unschool Tre, and keeping track of what happens each day on a blog seems a bit easier that just about any other form of recordkeeping.
In that regard, today I was watching Andy for the afternoon. We got a bit of a late start, but Tre was feeling sociable, so he invited Andy to come "visit" early (I was supposed to start watching him about 2:30pm and Tre invited him back about noon.
They played some LEGO Batman until Tre got ridiculously frustrated by Andy not doing what he wanted him to do (he was trying to accomplish a particularly difficult goal and Andy was making it more difficult). Tre and I had a conversation about the fact that when working cooperatively with others, we can't always make all the decisions as if we were playing alone. Tre seemed to understand, but it didn't ease his frustration any. He decided he wanted to cry loudly (seconds after giggling, he made this decision in a calm tone of voice). I told him that was fine, but I'd need to close the door between him and us (Andy and me). He agreed, and went back to crying for a minute or two more.
After that drama, they played happily for a while, playing with Tre's Thomas wooden train set. That lasted an hour or two until they decided that it made more sense to jump on each other. Tre got tired of that well before Andy did, so I decided to come up with another form of entertainment.
So, we all three got into swimsuits, I figured out where I could find an outside water spigot I had some reasonable access to, and I started filling up water balloons. The boys had a blast. They each tossed about 10 baloons at each other, only two actually hitting their targets. (One of those two was caught, undamaged.) They retrieved the broken balloon pieces in order to get their next balloon, so there was little to no trash left in the yard. Then we just took turns spraying each other with the hose.
After that, we came back inside, changed into regular clothes, and watched some TV until Andy fell asleep. His parents came home within minutes of him waking up from his nap.
This afternoon and evening, Tre has mostly spent playing LEGO Batman on his own. He's doing a great job, which is pretty impressive given that he's only five years old.
In that regard, today I was watching Andy for the afternoon. We got a bit of a late start, but Tre was feeling sociable, so he invited Andy to come "visit" early (I was supposed to start watching him about 2:30pm and Tre invited him back about noon.
They played some LEGO Batman until Tre got ridiculously frustrated by Andy not doing what he wanted him to do (he was trying to accomplish a particularly difficult goal and Andy was making it more difficult). Tre and I had a conversation about the fact that when working cooperatively with others, we can't always make all the decisions as if we were playing alone. Tre seemed to understand, but it didn't ease his frustration any. He decided he wanted to cry loudly (seconds after giggling, he made this decision in a calm tone of voice). I told him that was fine, but I'd need to close the door between him and us (Andy and me). He agreed, and went back to crying for a minute or two more.
After that drama, they played happily for a while, playing with Tre's Thomas wooden train set. That lasted an hour or two until they decided that it made more sense to jump on each other. Tre got tired of that well before Andy did, so I decided to come up with another form of entertainment.
So, we all three got into swimsuits, I figured out where I could find an outside water spigot I had some reasonable access to, and I started filling up water balloons. The boys had a blast. They each tossed about 10 baloons at each other, only two actually hitting their targets. (One of those two was caught, undamaged.) They retrieved the broken balloon pieces in order to get their next balloon, so there was little to no trash left in the yard. Then we just took turns spraying each other with the hose.
After that, we came back inside, changed into regular clothes, and watched some TV until Andy fell asleep. His parents came home within minutes of him waking up from his nap.
This afternoon and evening, Tre has mostly spent playing LEGO Batman on his own. He's doing a great job, which is pretty impressive given that he's only five years old.
2008-08-08
Language
For the last few months, my son has been playing with language. It's fascinating to watch, because this didn't start until after he had a pretty good grasp on functional English. What he does is makes up new words (that sound very similar, and he goes through phases on the words... first words that sound like "lee-low" now words that sound like "bingo"). After he's used his imaginary words he tells me, "That means..." and goes on to give them a new definition each time (even with the same exact words). The most common definition of just about everything is, "I love you", which is sweet.
Initially when he started playing with these made up words, he called the Spanish. I just happen to speak some Spanish (though I don't use it much, I was pretty much fluent back in the early 90s). So, I've told him that Spanish is a different language and if he wants to he can learn it, but that the words he was using were a different language, and he really ought to call it something else.
I enjoy watching this process and will try to occassionally update as he continues to grow in this and other areas.
Initially when he started playing with these made up words, he called the Spanish. I just happen to speak some Spanish (though I don't use it much, I was pretty much fluent back in the early 90s). So, I've told him that Spanish is a different language and if he wants to he can learn it, but that the words he was using were a different language, and he really ought to call it something else.
I enjoy watching this process and will try to occassionally update as he continues to grow in this and other areas.
2008-04-19
Imaginary Friends
So, my son was telling me last night about his imaginary friends. He apparently has two imaginary friends. Luke Skywalker and WS. We spoke mostly about WS, because this was the first I've heard him talk about him. (He loves Luke Skywalker from the original Star Wars movies and the Lego Star Wars games that he enjoys playing.)
WS is a boy with short brown hair and brown eyes. He sometimes stays at our house, sometimes at other houses, and sometimes lives in the trees. (We had this talk while driving, so the trees might have been added simply because they were part of the scenery.) He said that they shared their food (he shared his food with WX and WX shared his with Tre as well). He told me that sometimes WS's food was good and sometimes it was yucky.
Anyway, it may be a very passing thing, but I wanted to make notes so that he would remember as he grows up... if I had imaginary friends growing up, I don't remember anything about them. And in that respect, I'll continue to add more detail as I hear more about him.
WS is a boy with short brown hair and brown eyes. He sometimes stays at our house, sometimes at other houses, and sometimes lives in the trees. (We had this talk while driving, so the trees might have been added simply because they were part of the scenery.) He said that they shared their food (he shared his food with WX and WX shared his with Tre as well). He told me that sometimes WS's food was good and sometimes it was yucky.
Anyway, it may be a very passing thing, but I wanted to make notes so that he would remember as he grows up... if I had imaginary friends growing up, I don't remember anything about them. And in that respect, I'll continue to add more detail as I hear more about him.
2007-10-08
Tre's Computer
So, we were rearranging things in our life and doing minor (video card and memory) upgrades on our computers and decided it was time that our three-year-old son, Tre, had his own computer. I'm sure this isn't a decision that most people would agree with... why on earth does a three-year-old need his own computer?
Well, for one, our family (my parents included, but not Rich's) are very technologically inclined. We've had a computer in my family as long as I can remember, and I believe I had my own computer from the time I was about eight. Also, Rich and I chose to spend a great deal of our recreation time playing on the computer (either actually playing computer games or surfing, working on personal projects, or otherwise tinkering). So, Tre was wanting to participate, which was causing some friction as we discussed who's copmuter he was going to use at any given instant. Add to that fact the fact that I work from home doing transcription (of course, on my computer) and it just seemed to make sense for him to have his own computer.
So, I dug out my collection of kid's games, installed them all on his computer, and let him go. He's had his computer for about a week now, and he's already increasing in so many skills! His ability to double click has improved dramatically. But beyond that his games have him recognizing letters and numbers, working with matching shapes (as in a "color by picture" portion of his current favorite game). He's learning basic categories of food, transportation, and animals. And all while he's having an absolute blast and doing just what he wants to do. Of course, I have to help him some, especially as his favorite game is directed toward first graders, who (from the content) apparently are expected to be doing some reading, but it constantly surprises me just how much he can do on his own without my help.
And, also a surprise to me, he's asked for a way to "type with me," so his current second favorite activity (after the first grade game) is to open up Notepad and type while I'm typing. Anyway, it's been a lot of fun watching him explore this new (to him) world of computing and being able to "let go" because I'm not worried about him messing up my computer or Rich's. After all, if he completely hoses his install, I can just install everything again, no real loss. :)
Well, for one, our family (my parents included, but not Rich's) are very technologically inclined. We've had a computer in my family as long as I can remember, and I believe I had my own computer from the time I was about eight. Also, Rich and I chose to spend a great deal of our recreation time playing on the computer (either actually playing computer games or surfing, working on personal projects, or otherwise tinkering). So, Tre was wanting to participate, which was causing some friction as we discussed who's copmuter he was going to use at any given instant. Add to that fact the fact that I work from home doing transcription (of course, on my computer) and it just seemed to make sense for him to have his own computer.
So, I dug out my collection of kid's games, installed them all on his computer, and let him go. He's had his computer for about a week now, and he's already increasing in so many skills! His ability to double click has improved dramatically. But beyond that his games have him recognizing letters and numbers, working with matching shapes (as in a "color by picture" portion of his current favorite game). He's learning basic categories of food, transportation, and animals. And all while he's having an absolute blast and doing just what he wants to do. Of course, I have to help him some, especially as his favorite game is directed toward first graders, who (from the content) apparently are expected to be doing some reading, but it constantly surprises me just how much he can do on his own without my help.
And, also a surprise to me, he's asked for a way to "type with me," so his current second favorite activity (after the first grade game) is to open up Notepad and type while I'm typing. Anyway, it's been a lot of fun watching him explore this new (to him) world of computing and being able to "let go" because I'm not worried about him messing up my computer or Rich's. After all, if he completely hoses his install, I can just install everything again, no real loss. :)
2007-08-20
Life and Times with a Three Year Old
I have the amazing joy to share my life with a three-year-old boy, my son, Tre. Though at times it is a bit stressful, the stressful times are far outnumbered by my "I'm so glad he's a part of my life" moments.
We take him to restraunts and everyone remarks at his food choices, manners, and how well behaved he is. It's been fun to explain that the reason he usually prefers the salad bar over pizza at Pizza Hut is because he's never been told that one is better than the other. He is able to listen to his body and choose what's best for him without any false priority being given. Because we've never tried to make salad more important, or to limit his exposure to sweets, he doesn't think of salad as something that must be endured to get to the "good food" nor does he obsess about sweets. That's not to say he doesn't choose to eat a lot of something when we haven't had it available (or he hasn't been aware of it) for a while, but that something could be peanuts, bread and butter, or tomatoes as easily as cookies.
I am also regularly reminded that he's supposed to have gone through his "terrible" twos and be in his "terrible" threes now. And I think I understand just why they seem so terrible for most parents. At around that age, a child moves from being willing to do whatever you say just because you said it to thinking for himself and wanting explanations for parental requests. Parents who are willing to accept a child's autonomy (as those who choose radical unschooling do), do not find it surprising or a big hardship when the child starts wanting to make decisions for himself on the basis of information, rather than parental authority. But if you are expecting your child to obey everything you say, you'll run into trouble at around age two or three until one of two things happens: you back down and let the child be autonomous or you "break" your child into the understanding that he's not truly autonomous and must instead listen to you, because you're bigger (regardless of the reason you give or think he gets from the "breaking" this is what the understanding consists of).
This "breaking" lasts until the balance of power shifts in the teen years, at which point it beomes a major problem for traditional parents. But parents who have accepted their children's autonomy from the time of their first display at two or three (or earlier) do not have the same issues to battle in the teen years. Instead, they can continue to accept their children as autonomous. Separation from the family, moving into adulthood, becomes just one more step on the path that began at birth or shortly thereafter.
Radical unschooling is NOT easy. It requires much more of a parent in finding ways to meet everyone's needs instead of the child or children obeying "because I said so." But the rewards, it seems to me, greatly outweigh the early costs. And it does becomes easier with practice.
We take him to restraunts and everyone remarks at his food choices, manners, and how well behaved he is. It's been fun to explain that the reason he usually prefers the salad bar over pizza at Pizza Hut is because he's never been told that one is better than the other. He is able to listen to his body and choose what's best for him without any false priority being given. Because we've never tried to make salad more important, or to limit his exposure to sweets, he doesn't think of salad as something that must be endured to get to the "good food" nor does he obsess about sweets. That's not to say he doesn't choose to eat a lot of something when we haven't had it available (or he hasn't been aware of it) for a while, but that something could be peanuts, bread and butter, or tomatoes as easily as cookies.
I am also regularly reminded that he's supposed to have gone through his "terrible" twos and be in his "terrible" threes now. And I think I understand just why they seem so terrible for most parents. At around that age, a child moves from being willing to do whatever you say just because you said it to thinking for himself and wanting explanations for parental requests. Parents who are willing to accept a child's autonomy (as those who choose radical unschooling do), do not find it surprising or a big hardship when the child starts wanting to make decisions for himself on the basis of information, rather than parental authority. But if you are expecting your child to obey everything you say, you'll run into trouble at around age two or three until one of two things happens: you back down and let the child be autonomous or you "break" your child into the understanding that he's not truly autonomous and must instead listen to you, because you're bigger (regardless of the reason you give or think he gets from the "breaking" this is what the understanding consists of).
This "breaking" lasts until the balance of power shifts in the teen years, at which point it beomes a major problem for traditional parents. But parents who have accepted their children's autonomy from the time of their first display at two or three (or earlier) do not have the same issues to battle in the teen years. Instead, they can continue to accept their children as autonomous. Separation from the family, moving into adulthood, becomes just one more step on the path that began at birth or shortly thereafter.
Radical unschooling is NOT easy. It requires much more of a parent in finding ways to meet everyone's needs instead of the child or children obeying "because I said so." But the rewards, it seems to me, greatly outweigh the early costs. And it does becomes easier with practice.
2006-11-15
Punished by Rewards
The following was lifted from Angie on the AlwaysUnschooled mailing list in regards to "potty training." I believe it is one of the most apt descriptions I've ever seen of why rewards don't work the way we'd expect them to. (For those without a handy dictionary, "intrinsic" means coming from within and "extrinsic" means coming from without.)
Distinguishing between "intrinsic motivation" and "extrinsic motivation" makes it easier to see how rewards infringe on autonomy. If a child were inner-directed (autonomously interested) in performing a certain task (e.g., eliminating in the toilet), then a reward wouldn't be necessary. The *task* (or intrinsic value in it) would be rewarding in and of itself and the fuel behind the behavior.
However, a kid's very focus on the expectation of an external reward (candy, praise, gold stars, etc.) actually *distracts* from the inherent value of the activity in question, and in many circumstances causes the kid to DE-value the activity even more. This is because the task comes to be seen as a "means to an end" rather than an "end" in itself. The activity becomes a "barrier" that stands in between the child and the reward, thus the child is 'trained' to regard that activity as an unpleasent event, only worth doing if there is an "external" reward (candy, praise, etc.) promised for doing it.
If this concept is appealing to you or you'd like to hear more about the idea (explained in detail with a wealth of empirical data from reputable social psychology journals), please get yourself a copy of "Punished By Rewards" by Alfie Kohn.
Creative Play
It's amazing to me just how creative my 2.5 year old son, Tre, can be when left to his own devices. I've seen him figure out that a Pringles chips container lid fits the smokestack of his toy train perfectly (something I wouldn't have even thought to try). I've also watched him figure out which of his magnetic letters will hold an M&M and which won't (hint: it frequently depends on the angle you hold the letter).
And as I just a moment ago glanced at him playing quietly next to me, he has an office chair lying on it's side, a fly swatter stuck into the center post between the wheels, and he's talking on the plastic swatter end, occassionaly "dialing" someone else by poking at the plastic.
Isn't it amazing what a child can think to do when not told they're not supposed to?
And as I just a moment ago glanced at him playing quietly next to me, he has an office chair lying on it's side, a fly swatter stuck into the center post between the wheels, and he's talking on the plastic swatter end, occassionaly "dialing" someone else by poking at the plastic.
Isn't it amazing what a child can think to do when not told they're not supposed to?
2006-01-02
Another Christmas
My son, Tre, is 18 months old, and so although this was technically his second Christmas, it was the first that he was truly able to appreciate. It was an absolute joy watching him tear into packages (irregardless of who they belonged to, though we could distract him with one of his when he got the wrong ones). His joy in Christmas is something that I hope to never forget.
I'm trying to decide how we'll handle the issue of Santa next year, though. He was too young for it to be a real issue this year. I refuse to lie to him, so that's right out, but I see as options either being intentionally misleading while not lying (what I call "Aes Sedai truth"), being vague (not really answering questions or bringing up the topic), or being completely open and honest. I can see so many advantages and disadvantages to each that it's not an easy decision for me. I plan to discuss it with my husband and see what we can decide...
Just after Christmas, Tre realized that he could stick things down his shirt, and because it's snapped at the bottom, it functions as a pocket. Without any encouragement or complaint from his parents, he stuffed blocks, hot wheels sized trucks, and random other stuff down his shirt. Then he walked around patting his belly, listening to the items clunking against each other, and beaming from ear to ear.
I'm trying to decide how we'll handle the issue of Santa next year, though. He was too young for it to be a real issue this year. I refuse to lie to him, so that's right out, but I see as options either being intentionally misleading while not lying (what I call "Aes Sedai truth"), being vague (not really answering questions or bringing up the topic), or being completely open and honest. I can see so many advantages and disadvantages to each that it's not an easy decision for me. I plan to discuss it with my husband and see what we can decide...
Just after Christmas, Tre realized that he could stick things down his shirt, and because it's snapped at the bottom, it functions as a pocket. Without any encouragement or complaint from his parents, he stuffed blocks, hot wheels sized trucks, and random other stuff down his shirt. Then he walked around patting his belly, listening to the items clunking against each other, and beaming from ear to ear.
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